Top 25 Excuses to Ditch Someone For Good

What do you do when you desperately want to cut the dead weight in your life? It’s not always as easy as trimming your Facebook friend list.  Maybe an internet dating site set you up with a creeper who won’t stop calling, or an ex found you on Facebook and is sending you unwanted correspondence, or some lame guy is obsessiveover your lvoely lady lumps.

Some people have no problem telling someone “I don’t like you. Leave me alone.” If assertiveness just isn’t your thing, and you would like to spare the feelings of your clueless clinger, here is a list of reasons why you can never ever see or talk to them again.

  1. I would love to email you back, but I just read a book on Buddhism and have decided to give away all my worldly possessions.  I don’t have a computer anymore.
  2. I have a really sick pet that requires round the clock care and I just don’t have time to invest in human relationships right now.
  3. My landlord just raised the rent and now I’m moonlighting as a private detective to pay my bills.
  4. I am part of an elite government task force that must immediately relocate and that’s all the information I am at liberty to divulge.
  5. Take a page from Chandler Bing, and say “My company has transferred me to Yemen for an indefinite amount of time.”
  6. I am actually agoraphobic, and the health insurance company won’t cover the cost of my prescription anymore, so I won’t be able to leave the house.
  7. I plan to compete in the ‘skeet shooting’ event in the next Summer olympics and must undertake a rigorous training program that leaves me no free time whatsoever.
  8. I am finally going to pursue my dream of becoming a deep sea diver and unfortunately must move to Bora Bora.
  9. That Nigerian Prince who emailed a while back asking me to wire money turned out to be legit and has returned my investment with 100% interest AND has made me part of the Nigerian royal family. My palace in Africa awaits.
  10. Someone in my family who I have never mentioned before and lives far far away has died and I am just devastated.
  11. I am giving up everything to be a roadie for my favorite Kiss cover band.
  12. I just found out I have Lyme Disease.
  13. An eight year old just showed up on my doorstep claiming to be my son.
  14. Things are just “really complicated” for me right now.
  15. My emotionally unstable sister just got out of rehab and is moving in with me.
  16. I have decided to go to Spain and run with the bulls, if you don’t hear from me again, you’ll know what happened.
  17. I am checking into rehab.
  18. I am just totally overwhelmed by this increasingly virtual society and have decided to “go off the grid.”
  19. Next time you talk to them, start the conversation with “You know, Charles Manson really had some salient points to his beliefs.”
  20. I have a doctor’s appointment to check out this rash down below.
  21. Excuse me, I think you have me confused with my identical twin.
  22. My best friend just got dumped and has gone into a downward suicidal spiral. I must stay by their side until they pull through (which could take years).
  23. I just found out that I have an identical twin I was separated from at birth and I need space to catch up.
  24. I am a “free spirit” and could never conform to the oppressive demands of a monogamous relationship.
  25. My college buddies finally pulled through and started that commune in South America we have always dreamed of. I’m leaving tomorrow.

Hopefully these little white lies help those truth-phobic folks ward off unwelcome companions. From creepers, to stalkers, to clingers this world is full of people we want to avoid, and hopefully this list makes that a little easier.

Kristen Bright is the social media consultant for Instant CheckmateInstant Checkmate is a personal criminal background check provider, and does not perform employment screening of any kind.

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